Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
