those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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