Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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