sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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