I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
