Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we're making bets on your personal life
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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