I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
