had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
