My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
