The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
