I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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