No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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