Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
