omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
