i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
