I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i out mim tonsoeep
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