your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
