If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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