Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
