i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
