Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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