You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
