Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
