dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
