No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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