her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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