Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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