You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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