my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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