Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
