good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I am midnight drunk by noon
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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