is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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