I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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