I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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