My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
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