i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
