they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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