"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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