I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
