I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I see more hoeing in ur future
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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