I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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