he told me I talked like a deaf person
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
