When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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