And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
