You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
