I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
