WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
