6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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