in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
