Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
PS: I just woke up from my shower
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize