Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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