just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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