Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
