I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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