wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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