I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize