i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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