I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
love makes seman taste better
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
