i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
