he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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