considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
