i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
