I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
