Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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