i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
