mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
