thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize