We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
