Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
